While I was still single, I’ve had so many people give me their two cents on relationships.
Some of the advice was helpful, but not all of it. Here are a few of the most common first-relationship lies that I was told.
Lie #1: Your first boyfriend won’t be your last.
This one was a big one. I couldn’t tell you the number of people who have told me that they would never actually marry the first person they dated. The general idea goes something like this:
“First relationships are meant to be fun, and casual, and you learn a lot. But don’t take it too seriously. You’re not going to marry the guy!”
This sentiment is likely true for people who began dating as pre-teens.
But when I speak about dating, I don’t mean an awkward grade-school crush or texting buddy, or even someone you think you love because you’re fourteen and he called you pretty.
When I speak about dating, I mean a serious relationship. I mean someone who you can see a future with. Someone who meets your family and your friends. Someone who goes through the highs and lows of daily life with you. Someone who isn’t afraid to approach difficult topics or talk about what hurts. Someone who knows who they are, and accepts you for who you are. Someone who truly loves you, not with a hopped-up-on-hormones love, but with a deep, mature, sacrificial love.
Of course, if you started dating in your 20s, you have a much higher chance that your first committed relationship might end well.
If you started “dating” in the seventh grade, then yes, I can see why this piece of advice is so popular.
Lie #2: It will be really awkward.
Spoiler alert: awkwardness doesn’t really exist when you’re with the right person.
Yes, some experiences might be new and nerve-wracking, but when you’re with someone you trust, you are able to laugh things off together.
I had many dates that did feel a bit awkward. But those dates didn’t turn into my first relationship. They revealed pretty early on that they weren’t the right fit for me (or the other person).
My first date with my boyfriend was exciting, but it wasn’t awkward. My first kiss with my boyfriend was nerve-wracking, but it wasn’t awkward. The first time he said ‘I love you’ was sudden and unexpected, but it wasn’t awkward.
In my first (and current) relationship, there were definitely moments that could have been interpreted as awkward, but because me and my boyfriend are best friends, we’re able to laugh off literally anything. Ill-timed kisses, misunderstandings, something-in-your-teeth moments, and all the rest of it have never been a cause for awkwardness between us.
So might your first relationship be a bit awkward? Maybe, at certain moments, yes. But if they’re the right person for you, that should not be the overarching feel of the relationship.
Lie #3: Kissing is overrated.
This one makes me laugh.
I couldn’t tell you the number of women who have complained to me about how guys just don’t know how to kiss. Especially young guys, or inexperienced guys, or guys who haven’t really dated much.
Too aggressive. Too much tongue. Awkward hand placement. Bad breath. Chapped lips. Never heard of dental floss.
And outside of all those unfortunate circumstances, women are hard to please. We’re particular. We have all sorts of complications that guys aren’t aware of unless they’re told. Long hair that gets pulled. Neck cramping if the guy is significantly taller. Our makeup getting smeared. (I keep my makeup to a minimum for this very reason.)
So while I understand the source of the dissatisfaction from some of my female friends and acquaintances, I personally can’t add to the orchestra of complaints about men who can’t kiss.
All I’m going to say is that anyone who strongly agrees that “kissing is overrated” is probably not doing it right. Or not with the right partner.
Because when you are with the right person, it’s far from overrated.
Lie #4: The “honeymoon phase” only lasts so long.
We’ve all been warned about the honeymoon phase and its dreaded end.
It’s true that at the start of a new relationship, everyone is on their best behavior. We tolerate each other’s annoying habits, we don’t notice our partner’s flaws, and we never get into fights. Everything about the relationship seems blissful and perfect.
But then it ends — and you realize the other person isn’t actually as perfect as you thought and you contemplate every choice you’ve made in life that brought you to this point. (Relax, I’m just kidding.)
In my opinion, the end of the “honeymoon phase” isn’t so much an end as it is a transformation. The relationship changes from a new, exciting, heart-racing love affair into a mature, comfortable, established partnership.
Not a business partnership, because that would be weird.
I mean a partnership where you see each other as teammates and not just a source of butterflies, sparks, or excitement.
Of course, you should continue to pursue each other and do little things to make the other person feel special. You should still flirt. You should still go out on dates. You should still be excited to talk to them often and share your lives with one another. It’s these little moments that spark joy and closeness that make you feel like the “honeymoon phase” never really ends.
But — it’s okay to have disagreements sometimes. It’s okay to not see eye-to-eye on absolutely everything. And its okay to (lovingly) call each other out and encourage each other to be better every day.
Your partner isn’t perfect, and neither are you. And that’s okay.
Now, here are some truths:
Your first relationship will be a lot of learning. A lot of new experiences. A lot of growth. But if you’re with the right person, it will also be a lot of love, excitement, friendship, and good memories.
Overall, the benefits of a first love (if its true love) far outweigh the challenges.
And remember, just because they are your first doesn’t mean they can’t also be your last.
